Wrestling ice cream commercial: Had me until the dude licked the other dude’s face. What if Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lawler had tried that instead?

Movie tie-ins video: Arsenio Hall was mostly terrible if you ask me, but I’ve found a small number of memorable bits on his show. The bit with someone having to eat Bill & Ted cereal is certainly a good one (and a reminder of just how much Bill & Ted marketing there actually was.) Wait…OLD YELLER DOG FOOD?!? The…fuck? I was about to say that I can remember lots of corny tie-in cereals from the late 80s and early 90s but the Old Yeller Dog Food threw me the fuck off, man. I’m all bummed out now.

ChatGPT sodas (reading the formula over and over again is now verging on making my eyes glaze over):

The Best Years Of Our Lives: I don’t really dislike this movie, I just wish it hadn’t been so damned long. They probably got the soda right, though cinnamon, apple, AND toasted vanilla is probably overkill–that fucking thing would be like 290% of your daily recommended sugar intake.

Spartacus: Not apologizing about not being wild about the movie, but this entry REALLY gives me hope that predictions of AI taking over the world are overblown bullshit–what on earth does grape and pomegranate have to do with symbolizing “strength, sacrifice and freedom”? And when was Spartacus full of “sweetness and earthiness”?

High & Low: If AI thinks that any corporation would ever market something called “Contrast Cola” then I think it’s safe to say even more than the previous entry that it won’t be taking over the world any time soon. What is “dark, smoky” cola? As for the film, it’s been ages and I probably just need to rewatch all the Kurosawa films–I really haven’t even rewatched many of the ones I liked.

Ride The High Country: It got the sarsparilla right, but adding huckleberry is just gross. I guess the AI couldn’t search hard enough to find a way to flavorize Mariette Hartley, mentioned in the trailer as being “delightfully different with her red hair and freckles.” Huckleberry is NOT delightfully different, it’s sick.

Night Moves: Most scenes in this movie do not take place at night, though there’s a few, so “late night intrigue” proves that this AI must be thinking all noirs take place at night or something? Why not a mixture of unshaved peach, cherry Chapstick and cubed beets in this soda, to accurately represent shadowy, complex beet red shame one thinks upon seeing Melanie Griffith underage and nude halfway through the film?

While we’re at it, How about an RFK Jr. raw milk cola, with hints of dark, smoky cyanide to represent the balance of tragedy and poisonousness evoked by his wife’s suicide?