I’m really not going to listen to it. I did not listen to their last two and would not have listened to The Astonishing at all (or maybe even heard of it before now) had you not showed up here when came out all BLEEEUUURRGGGHG BILLDUDE GET ALOAD OF THESE CHARACTERS AND PLOT, and I just had to hear it, and only made it through that thing twice. I have one memory of what’s actually on it at all: James Labrie mispronouncing the word “door” as “doaaaahhh.” Don’t ask me what song that’s in. I’d like to believe if I had been 17 when I heard The Astonishing that I’d have hated it then too, but maybe not. I mean, there was a time I thought Kansas’ Leftoverture was a great album too. I do remember when I liveblogged “The Count Of Tuscany” though, that was good times.

It’s a tribute to how little I follow Scream Theablreurrgh now that I didn’t know the names of those last two albums, nor did I know Portnoy made up with the band, nor can I name who played drums in his place.

The cover of that new album is obviously meant to make you think of Images & Words, but the dumb look on the girl’s face is what would make me think it’s AI. I mean, you can’t see that she has seven fingers or a distorted word on her shirt or anything like that, so you have to go with the dumb look on her face. I didn’t know Hugh Syme was still alive, let alone still doing prog rock album covers but I do still like the Grace Under Pressure cover, always have.

I think I was laughing less at Jordan’s usual jackoff soloing than at the “eewhew, omg!” reactions of the people in the booth. It also looks like he has a giant lucky rabbit’s foot hanging off his face to hide his double chin. That doesn’t help. He certainly didn’t fail to pick his usual godawful 90s synth tones, even that electric piano that’s like the first thing he picks is horrid. His straight piano playing is obviously attempting to ape Mike Garson, until he goes all “Old West barrelhouse” on us around the 9 minute mark.

Then he starts playing keyboard guitar solos, and keyboard guitar solos, as I would know from personal experience, are the butt-suckiest sound on planet Earth, no matter how hi-tech your keyboard is.

The Portnoy one of these is Taylor Swift? Pass, gas or ass? Pass.

On an uninteresting related note, I knew Jordan Rudess played on Bowie’s Heathen (still my favorite Bowie album!) but I didn’t know what song he’s on. (“Slip Away”)